Dear Deployment...

So there's a website out there called Dear Deployment:  I hate you.  Cute, right?
For your convenience (and amusement), I've "starred" my favorites; the very real questions I'm asked all of the time. 
This is not directed at anyone, nor is it meant to offend.  It's just the truth.  
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Do you miss him? No. I love being alone. The silence is warming. I enjoy fixing everything that breaks and cuddling with my pillow.
My boyfriend is out of town on business, I know how you feel. Yes, I hear there is a huge mortar problem in Michigan.
Aren't you afraid he'll die? No, I had actually forgotten that that was a possibility, but thank you. Thank you for reminding me.
*I don't know how you manage, I couldn't do it. Thank God it's not you then.
At least he's not in Iraq/Afghanistan/Qatar. He's not!? Man, that changes everything.
Do you think he'll come home for Christmas/Birthday/Anniversary? I don't know yet, he just put in his leave request to the Taliban, we're still waiting for a response.

*What are you going to do to keep busy while he's gone? I don't know. Since he's been gone the house cleans itself and the bills are magically paid.
*How many days until he gets out? Depends. How many days until you join?
You'll get used to it. Yeah, the rigorous schedule is something I get used to. I'm actually a robot. I love watching the news, and the surprise missions are like tiny birthday presents from the Taliban. Yes, I'm getting used to it like I get used to a tooth ache.
*What is he doing over there? Knitting.
Why don't you just go see him? They frown upon strangers 'round those parts, but by all means, go visit and let me know how it goes.
*Don't worry, he'll be home soon. Really? I thought we had 8 months left. Thank goodness you reminded me.
You look tired. Yeah unfortunately the Middle East is in a different hemisphere and no one will move it.
*Did you hear about the soldiers killed in...  Awesome, thank you. I was hoping someone would slip that into conversation today.
Can't you text him? Why didn't I think of that!?
The front lines are the most dangerous. Dammit, I thought they aimed for the back.

Loosely adapted from Heather Clouse 
and www.deardeploymentihateyou.com.