June 29, 2017

The Longest 31 Days of My Life

Trust me when I say I went back and forth (and back and forth) on posting this. I'm hesitant and, honestly, feel ill when I think about putting so much of myself out there. (seriously, I'm starting to sweat.) 

However, it just is what it is and, if you're going to read this blog and follow along with my life, I do think it's important that you all know where I'm coming from. This army life has shaped the choices we make and the way we live, so this is just the latest installment of that. 
This blog is full of countless other examples over the last 7 years. 



The trip Scott just came back from was only 31 days but it was definitely classified as a deployment. It wasn't temporary duty (TDY), it wasn't training...it was actually called a deployment. While it was *only* a month, it was, I'm pretty sure, the longest month of my life.

We found out in April that this would be happening. We didn't know if it would be 30 days, 60 days, 90 days, or more. This has never happened before and there was no set timeline. We started prepping for as if he'd be gone all summer (again). There were many tears on my part. The worst part was that he'd just gotten home from Afghanistan a few months before.

There were a lot of moving pieces on my end of this deployment. To make a really long story short, we had decided back in December that we were going to do a cycle of IVF in the spring. Since spring had unexpectedly brought a deployment, and we didn't know if he would be gone for weeks or for months, we immediately got on the doctor's schedule and paid for it and made that May's priority.  Scott left mid-May, which meant I got to take on everything that goes with managing the house, the dogs, my job, and IVF all by myself. This was not for the faint of heart. I gave myself more injections than I could count, drove to more appointments than I care to remember, and I missed an entire week of school. (Okay, I did count: it was more than 40 injections.)

Just as I had started to feel normal again (which takes weeks), I found out that the IVF didn't work.

Then, I was left to shoulder the emotional and mental burden of that by myself.

I won't even pretend to play this off or act like it was no big deal. In fact, I'm aware that people go through much worse and, looking at it through my military wife lens, it was just another roadblock.

When I look at it through lens of the regular person that I am, it was a really big deal. It was almost too much to handle because I couldn't even talk to Scott about it. We only talked twice in 31 days. We were able to text, only because he has a government phone for work. We weren't able to make any decisions or decide what to do next. And I told myself nothing was going to change in a couple of weeks and attempting to have long drawn-out texting conversations would just stress us both out. I just told the doctor that I would call for a follow-up appointment when Scott got back. I'm pretty good at compartmentalizing at this point, apparently. This is just the latest lesson in how to be a military wife, I guess.

We have plans to not be active duty for the next few years. There's a way to earn active duty time while doing other things and that's what Scott will be doing. So hopefully this most recent stint will be the last in that long list of what he has had to do in Colorado.

So anyway. That's the story of the longest month of my life. I had thought that the year I was alone in Alaska had taught me more than I would ever need to know, but these 31 days did ten times that. For that, I'm grateful, even if that seems to make absolutely no sense sometimes.

20 comments:

  1. I'm sitting in my mother's empty kitchen at a flimsy card table just weeping. I wish, so very badly, that I could have been there with and for you. I know you are the strongest person I know, but I hate that you keep having to use your strength. I wish you (and Scott) a very PEACEFUL inactivity. <3

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  2. I am so so sorry for everything you're struggling through. You are by far one of the strongest people that I've "met" (I put met in quotes because while we've spoken through email for years, we haven't actually met in person). I wish you peace and relaxation and I'll keep you in my thoughts.

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  3. Oh, Kristin. I was hoping for you. I can't imagine the amount of strength this takes. I'm so sorry this phase of the plan didn't work. I hope for peace for you both as you move forward to what's next and I'm happy that Scott will be home with you while you go through it. I hope now that he's back, you can lean on each other and I'm glad you don't have to go through it alone. Good for you for sharing. Hugs from TX.

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  4. Oh Kristin, I'm so sorry to hear about all of this. I can only imagine how challenging it was to go through all of that emotionally and even more so with with Scott away. I hope that your time with him not on active duty is restful, restorative, and exactly what you need. Please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers as you go through this.

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  5. I'm so so sorry! Praying for peace for you and Scott!

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  6. & here I was complaining about being away from my husband for 4 nights. I cant imagine going through all that without him by your side. I am so sorry. Sending you hugs. You are one tough lady!!!

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  7. To echo the sentiment of so many above, you are definitely one of the strongest people I know. But I also know that's not always comforting when you don't want to HAVE to keep being that strong. I'm really glad Scott's going to be home for a good while, you guys are in my prayers and hopefully you'll get some rest along with him over the next couple of months.

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  8. I'm so sorry to hear this, I had fingers crossed it would all take. Getting news like that is hard when you're by yourself to absorb it all but you've stayed strong and that's one of your best qualities. Here's to relaxation hopefully for a bit!

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  9. You are amazing my friend! You are so strong. Sending lots of love your way.

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  10. I read this post this morning and wanted to comment, but I couldn't put into words everything I wanted to say. I still can't because there aren't any right words to say to make it better, though I wish there were. Just know I'm sending hugs and thinking of you. ❤️

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  11. I'm so sorry things have been so rough. Sometimes it feels like it all happens at once. Don't let anyone tell you it's not a big deal; it is. I'm glad Scott is around now so you can continue together, and that your plans mean being together for a while. Thinking of you both.

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  12. I'm so sorry to read this. I don't know how I'd feel if I were you - I imagine about the same. I am just so sorry - not sure what else I can say, except know you're in my thoughts.

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  13. I cannot even imagine having to go through all of that on your own! I'm sorry that you had to! I hope that you guys have some time to talk and plan out your next course of action, and if you ever need a shoulder to lean on, I'm here!

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  14. That really, really sucks. Actually, sucks isn't the right word. Devastating. Going through a failed IVF is bad enough but that he wasn't able to be with you at the time--I'm so sorry. My heart hurts for you right now. I hope he won't have to be away so much for a good long while and that things get not-so-tough.

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  15. That's a rough month. Thanks for sharing. Sending you hugs and support.

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  16. I don't even have words to comment. Just know that I'm thinking of YOU and Scott <3 <3 Hugs, friend! I'm local if you need some real hugs too!

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