August 12, 2013

Missing it

But what if I want what I had?

Let's be honest.  I'm a classic case of "the grass is always greener".  Perhaps I always have been.  Maybe I just really see it these days.  It seems much more evident now, this month of August 2013, than it ever has been before.  In any case, I spent most of the last few years thinking it HAD to be better somewhere else.  It just had to be if there was any fairness or justice in the world.  But you already know this.

I've been in a funk for the last few weeks.  A gigantic, I-hate-everything funk.  It popped out of nowhere.  I'm crying, I'm happy, I'm sad, I'm mad, I'm discouraged, I'm tired, I'm bored, I'm bored, I'm bored, I'm bored, I'm....all kinds of things.

I had a hard time figuring out what was wrong until I looked at the calendar.*

School is starting without me.  School in Alaska where I had a place, school in Pennsylvania where I never had a place, and school in Missouri where I can't find a place.

*Okay, that's a lie. I knew this would happen.  I just didn't want to think about it.

This is only the second time since 1991 that I haven't had a participatory plan or part in the beginning of a school year (there was that year, 2009, when we moved to Alaska in September, so there was no school for me).

I love the first month of school.  What teacher doesn't?  In fact, my heart is starting to ache a lot just thinking about how I'm not putting the finishing touches on my classroom and labeling file folders right now.  And it has nothing to do with buying new pens and notebooks.  It's a feeling.  The feeling of fall in the air.  The smell of a school in August.  The kids in brand new sneakers.  It's something that only teachers can really appreciate.  Nothing compares to the smell of a school in August.

So, in order to take off the rose-colored glasses, I'm trying to remind myself of November, December, January, February, March, and most of April.  I'm trying to think back to the cold, the dark, the wind, the feeling of depression, and the lack of vitamin D.  Because I would be in love with my job for the first couple of months of each school year.  When winter and darkness set in, it'd all be over.  I'd cry.  I'd whine.  I'd wear 7 layers and second-coat.  I'd keep my headband on all day.  Heck, I had to post pictures of myself wearing real clothes everyday...just to hold me accountable for trying!  That's what winter in Alaska did to me.  That's what I have to remember.

Remember this nonsense?

Just like getting over a bad ex-boyfriend.  There's no going back.  There's nothing there for me anymore.  I have to force myself to remember the not-so-great things (I didn't think that would happen!).  Clearly, I couldn't stay.  We were being stationed elsewhere.  Even if I had loved everything about Alaska and had pouted and cried at the idea of leaving, I still would have left.  Now, I have to figure out how to start over...when starting over is less than a year..and then I have to start over again.

Sharing at Mingle Monday


  1. Just think of all the work it would have been to do one year at one school and move on again.. that is what I told myself the first year I didn't teach. It is a weird feeling though. I've been out for several years and still miss it! I truly think teaching is a vocation more than a job!

  2. I am in the same flipping boat. I'm tired of trying, tired of the failure, tired of it all but don't want to give up trying because I feel like I'll be disappointing everyone (when I should really be focusing on me, my MIL told me its not about me - more on that later). School supplies are actually making me sad too because I love buying them. I just don't know...

  3. It's hard to get over something you are so used to doing.

  4. Awwwww! In some way you miss Alaska! Just think of the winters and you should be okay.

    Hey... how about Dex... eh eh??

    p.s. I have a new blog. Follow the bread crumbs....

  5. I agree about the feeling. I'm not a teacher but have been doing the back to school thing for what feels like FOREVER. Getting ready for the first day is a rush. You'll find something. It's just not time yet.

  6. I understand, friend. Although I was completely unhappy in what I was DOING (nannying) in Charlotte, I left the town kicking and screaming. I loved it there. I knew the move meant I'd finally get to be doing what I WANTED to do (writing), but some days I still wish I could be back in Charlotte. I know it's got to be especially hard as the school year commences. You are a born teacher. And this is just one year. Soon, you'll be re-stationed and hopefully able to settle in more. Thinking about you. I'm not a teacher, and it's been YEARS since the middle of August has meant anything to me, and I still get a little weepy this time of year.

  7. I feel like this with every PCS. Just when I find my happy place, poof! I have to start all over again. I hope you find your happy place soon.

  8. I hope you find a happy place where you are sometime soon! I know feeling like you're missing out hides a lot of interesting opportunities but I understand your where you're coming from. It's always hard for things to move on without you when you can't move on with them.

  9. Mourn for the loss this year and then look forward to new adventures!

  10. ANY time you need a list of reasons to not miss Alaska, you just let me know.

  11. I always remember that, the feeling of the new year. I loved teaching for that month. The first year I stopped teaching I longed for it from that feeling. I can't imagine how hard it is to start over knowing you'll have to start over again soon. ((Hugs))

  12. The way this post started I really thought there was a little baby on the way ;)

    I can't relate from being a teacher but it's only been a year since I finished school and I really feel lost right now becuase I'm not getting ready and making plans and goals for the coming year. (and mostly because I have no excuse to buy new clothes)

    Something will come along when it's meant to be :) I know that is the last thing anyone wants to hear when they're in a mood, but it's true.

  13. I totally understand your feelings. The first year out of college was the first time I wasn't getting ready to go back to school. As a teacher, my favorite time of the school year is the first few months.

    Keep telling yourself that being in Alaska is cold. Then put on your shorts and go outside. :)


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