November 18, 2012

Why I won't be seeing Breaking Dawn Part Whatever.

I may have told this story before on here, but it's time to revisit it.

It's no secret that I think Kristen Stewart is a talentless trollop.  In fact, her one redeeming role was in Adventureland, but she also played a two-timing heartbreaker in that she does in real life.

But yeah, I saw Twilight in the theater.  And then New Moon.  And Eclipse too (at that point, I was invested and it was habit.)

I suppose I shall start at the beginning of my own Twilight "saga"...

I read all 4 books the summer after college (clearly putting my expensive education to work).

I liked them.  I did.  I didn't read too deeply into them.  If you read past the surface, this is what you see:

But I took them for their low-entertainment value.  I must say, I did not care for Breaking Dawn.  The end of Eclipse left you wanting more..and Breaking Dawn didn't deliver.  It was too unbelievable.  Which is hard to do when you're writing about vampires and werewolves.  So congrats on that accomplishment, Stephenie.

I started dating Scott at the end of August 2008.  Our very first movie date was Twilight in November of that year.  I pre-ordered the tickets.  I was ready, he was willing (because I was his new girlfriend and he still kind of indulged my every whim).

We waited in a crowded lobby full of teenage girls (covered in glitter) who actually seemed to be rioting a bit.  A huge crowd it was, pressing against the closed theater doors.  When the doors were finally opened, 20 minutes before show time, they all surged forward.

Scott said, "This is how people die in crowds!", but I could barely hear him over the shrieking.

He must have really liked me.

15 minutes into the movie, I was bored.  I realized that I already knew what was going to happen.  At that moment, I also realized that KStew had reached the potential of the acting ability I was going to see.  RPatz too.  I realize some of you find him drool-worthy, but I think he looks like a bit of a creepy skeletor, therefore him just being in the movie wasn't enough of a draw for me.

Also, I had read the book.  I KNEW WHAT WAS GOING TO HAPPEN NEXT.  I was bored.  I shifted around in my seat so much that Scott swore he'd never take me to another movie.  We didn't go to another until July of 2009 after we were married (The Hangover).

I eventually went to see New Moon in Anchorage because I had hoped the whole Twilight thing was a fluke.  Uh no.  New Moon might've been worse.

Eclipse.  Uggggghhhhh.  Worse yet.

My friend Courtney (who needs her own blog) sent me this link with some Twilight pie charts.

That was finally when I was like "Eff it. This franchise is ruined and is stupid too."*

I firmly, firmly believe that Twilight could have had potential.  Had it not been for the screenplay, cast, crew, set, etc...I mean, look what Alan Ball did with True Blood!  It's a real story (based on a series of books).  With real actors.  With real facial expressions.

These are funny.  You should watch them.

*I don't judge you for watching the movies, as I clearly have nothing against vampires. I judge you if you ever say that KStew has talent.  

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  1. Haha these trailers are hilarious! I will admit to watching the movies. I also admit that they are poorly done and TERRIBLY cast. :p

  2. I won't be seeing Breaking Dawn PT 2 either.

    I didn't read the books. They didn't interest me. I have, however, seen the first three movies. Believe me, it wasn't my idea.

    A friend of mine was visiting from Texas. She's over the top into Twilight and, according to her, I HAD to watch the movies.

    Yeah. That's 6 hours of my life I'll NEVER get back!

  3. I do think kstew is talentless and I don't find rpatz attractive at all. Taylor lautner? yes, I find him particularly attractive. I did go see, friday after I got off work because my friend begged me and I had seen the others, so I figured, might as well. I like the books for the same reason as you. The movies, I was always a little bored too and felt like they were missing "oomph", yet I still went to see them. I actually thought this one was better than the others but I still don't classify it as "good". They significantly altered some things in this movie, which is probably why it was a little better than the others, but I hate when they change the events of the book. Either way, you weren't missing anything in the last two movies and I'm glad the series is done so I don't feel obligated to see any more haha.

  4. I can't even watch those. I read the first two books and it was torture for me...

  5. I read the books when Eclipse was coming out (as a book, not a movie.) My 8th graders were really into them, so I read them to connect with them. I like the books. Breaking Dawn was awful. I saw Twilight in the regular theater, and then New Moon in the $3 theater. I haven't bothered to watch any more.(I don't think my students have seen them either)
    And that dog with the fangs is hilarious.

  6. I started to read the first book, but I never got into it. Then I started watching the movies, and yes, they suck, but I got sucked in. Ya know? It's like you. I saw the first in theaters, then I thought well what the hell... I'll watch the next one in theater too... and so on. But her acting sucks. She sucks in Snow White and the Huntsman too.

  7. I read all four books as a 30 something. I was totally done around book two and a half but wanted to see it through.

    Then I saw the first movie...and I've never seen any of the other ones or anything else with KStew in it, because I think she is a totally atrocious actress, and also probably a real life ahole.

  8. I agree whole-heartedly with all of this. I've tried watching a couple of the movies, but never read the books. I think part of the reason I hate them is because my stupid ex-roommate and his girlfriend were in love with them - you know, those people still as irresponsible as 15 year olds. When they moved out and forgot their Twilight "commemorative cup" from the theater, we promptly burned it in our fire pit. THAT'S how I feel about Twilight.

  9. Hahahaha the meme w/ the dog had me laughing a lot! Okay, so I never had ANY interest in the movies or books until my best friend begged me to see the first one and I found the acting SO cheesy but I was hooked. I read the books, I couldn't help it and while I am sad to say it, I have to see the final flick, I hate myself for it, but I must. LOL!

  10. Based on your previous discussions of Twilight and Kstew, I am surprised to read that you read the books or saw any of the movies. I'm glad that I haven't done any of those things.

    I'm just not all that into vampires. (Sorry! lol)

    And for the record, I really wasn't a fan of Rpatz a Cedric in the 4th Harry Potter either.

  11. Well, full disclosure, I love the books and the movies. I'm like a lovesick teen. BUT I do think the acting was horrid and my favorite part is looking at Jacob's abs. ;)

  12. I did see the last movie only because I wanted to see the twist at the end. I DO think Kristen Stewart is TALENTLESS. She makes me want to gouge my eyes out with a hot poker.

  13. I never read them and only saw the first movie, it was like watching a emo soundtrack. Never got around to the rest!

  14. I've seen all the movies and we're going to see the last one in Juneau...but not because the movies are any good. Oh no. It's like you said - now we're invested. It's like tradition now.

    I did read the first 2 books though. I thought they were absolutely, horrendously, utterly beyond terrible. That woman couldn't write to save her life. Awful. Just awful.

    Have you seen Snow White and the Huntsman? Spoiler alert - KStew can't stick with just one dude in that movie, either. I'm afraid she's boxed herself in at this point.

  15. Oh - and I think Jacob is fugly.

  16. Yea, I'm going to see it on my day off. Not because I love them, but it's like you said. It's tradition. I want to see this crap through.

    I also like the movies better than the books, because while the books are long and drawn out, the movies kind of, slightly get to the point.

    Oh and I squirmed a lot during the first movie too. Plus my drunk friend who left at the beginning came back and shouted my name really loudly as he walked up and down the stairs. That's my memory of Twilight.

  17. those videos are hilarious lol I read all the books as well and liked it them at first ish...but i was sort of trying to stuff something in the void that was HP withdrawal...:(

  18. Glitter pie chart! Die

    Also I saw part 2, wait til it comes out on DVD.

  19. I already loved you for your swipes at KStew (side note, if one more person tell me I look like her I will go on a spree) but THANK YOU for being the only other person who thinks RPatz is a creeper! I've never found him remotely attractive and basically just think he needs to shower more often.

    And those trailers are GENIUS.


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